Children First

People divorce, it happens.  They are grown adults, they have to deal with the consequences of their decisions. The problem is that many of those consequences fall on the children of that marriage.  Why?  Because their parents make their problems the children's problems. Whether they do it unconsciously or very consciously in an attempt to gain leverage or to purposefully hurt the other parent is irrelevant.  All too frequently children end up carrying the baggage for their parent's trip through divorce.

I speak of this not only as a family law attorney who has seen her fair share of "tell them that they can have one more weekend with the kids if they give me $200 more in support" (no I'm not kidding) but also as a child of divorce myself.  I have seen both sides of the coin and I can tell you unequivocally, one side is FAR better than the other. 

My parents divorced when I was eight but because they attended every sporting event, every parent meeting and every ceremony together, most of my friends didn't even know they were divorced.   They did not talk badly about the other, they didn't tell me to keep secrets, or try to turn me against the other.  To be clear, they did not particularly like each other, they simply put that all aside where I was concerned.  They were just my parents, just like they were before.   Because of their actions, I do not perceive marriage negatively and I do not fell like I came from a "broken" home.  I had a great childhood and a positive relationship with both of my parents.  As a married mother of three now, I cannot imagine the internal personal turmoil that they each went through as their marriage ended.  As their child though, I can say I am so very grateful that they kept that baggage away from me.

On the other side of the coin are the kids who are forced to sit in the front row of the divorce show.   They have to hear the negativity, lie to one parent about the other, or worse, they are forced to chose between their parents.  Some of those children will deal with their parents divorce well into adulthood.


So, how do parents going through divorce avoid that scenario?  Agreed custody orders are a good place to start.  They give everyone involved, especially the children, a sense of security in what is otherwise a very turbulent time.  Parents know when they are going to see kids, kids know when they are going to see parents and everyone can begin to settle into their new "normal".   Agreed custody orders also allow parents to set a schedule that works with their individual family.  It may seem like a lofty goal given the circumstances, lets be honest, the alternative is to let a Judge decide.

Custody hearings typically only last a few hours and in those few hours a Judge forms an opinion about you and your children (whom they have never met).  Several years ago, as one of my contested custody cases ended, the sitting Judge looked at both parties and right before he issued his verdict he once again asked them if they could try to come to an agreement on the custody and visitation of their children because in his estimation, if after his verdict, both parties were unhappy, he had done his job.  Now, in some scenarios, agreed custody orders are simply not possible however these cases are not the norm.  They are cases that typically involve abuse, both physical and mental, addiction and neglect.  Simply because you are angry with your spouse or hurt does not mean you cannot or should not put that aside to ensure the well being of your children. 

In any divorce you have choices.  The most important choices you make surround your children.  The difference between the child for whom divorce is a bump in the road versus a tragic detour starts with a basic decision by their parents to carry their own baggage through the divorce and let their children be children, not leverage.  One way to ease the transition for your children is to work with the other parent on an agreed custody order.  This is not to say that an agreed custody order will make a divorce "easy" on your children but it will make it easier.  Not having the uncertainty of when they will see their parent next will make the transition far less stressful.  It will not always be smooth sailing, but the peace of mind of having the custody and visitation of your children set will aid you in navigating the remainder of your divorce with dignity.
 
Visit my website, www.FoleyFamilyLaw.com for more information on agreed custody orders or to set up a consultation to get information specific to your case.